a year in review & looking ahead

Well, it's already the end of 2012 and in a few days it will be 2013, so it's time for me to spend some time looking back on the past year and highlight a few things I'm looking forward to in the coming year.

2012

The first major development this past year was graduating from OSU in June.  I completed a Bachelors of Art in Strategic Communications with a minor in Cultural Anthropology in only 3 years.  Most people take the full 4 years to finish that major, but I pushed myself hard to complete everything in 3!  I felt ready to move on from schooling and begin my life, and the feeling of waking up and having no homework, no required reading, and no pressure on me from grades was amazing.  I never realized just how much stress school put on me until I was finished, and I'm glad I hurried things along and graduated early.

Along with graduating came work, and I was incredibly blessed to begin working as a Life Claims Examiner for Nationwide Insurance only a few months after graduation.  It's a contract job that will be ending soon, however the time I've spent there has been amazing.  Not only have I learned a lot, but I've found that enjoying work and enjoying time with coworkers is possible!!  Working with clients who are filing life insurance claims on deceased family members may sound terribly depressing, but it gives such a sense of accomplishment to be able to help people during their times of need.  Not only that, but you would be surprised at the multitude of life lessons you learn when dealing with life insurance!  I'll be sorry to say goodbye to everyone next month, but I'm so thankful for the opportunities and friendships that I've made.

Another thankful development over the past year was that I have come off of my gluten and coconut free diet!  The stress from my PTSD had caused my body to stop handling minor problems, such as a food allergy, and instead overreacted to it.  In 2011 I really struggled with illness from that, but now that I've given my body time to reset itself and began to get better control of my anxiety, things have been corrected.  So, I can now happily munch down on an Almond Joy or binge on some pasta without worrying about becoming incredibly ill :)

On a smaller side note, I'd like to officially announce that I got a tattoo this year!  I got it in May on the 2 year anniversary of my assault, as a daily reminder to myself that the 'deep mud' I've come through only proves how strong I am. (this is in reference to the story of the lotus I talked about in a previous post) 

it's on my rib cage...difficult to show well in a picture without revealing too much!

And to be honest, I've needed that reminder quite a bit recently, and having that permanent image right there is a simple way to keep myself feeling positive.  And in keeping with my philosophy of never putting anything on the internet that my grandmother couldn't see, she already knows and loves it!

2013

I'm incredibly hopeful looking forward to 2013.  There are already a few things that I can't wait for, and the first one on my mind is my upcoming trip to JAPAN!

I'll be fulfilling a long-time dream of exploring the culture and beauty of the country, along with a few other tourists.  It's a tour group out of England, Australia, and America, so our small group will all be English speaking.  I'm sure that in future trips there I will be able to go on my own, but for a first trip I need to be 'shown the ropes' quite a bit.  I'll post a lot more about the trip in the future, but I am counting down the days until I get the first stamp on my passport!

This next year will also bring another job my way, hopefully, as I'm going to start looking once the holidays are over.  So, if you hear of any openings where you or a friend are, feel free to pass the information on!

in preparation for my japan trip i'll be changing the theme/purpose of this blog :)

what i've learned about myself

now that i've been a college graduate for a few months i've been reflecting on who i am and what i'm all about. and while i haven't discovered anything life changing, i have noticed some changes in myself that are pretty awesome and have really begun to understand some things. so here's my short list of reflections:

1. school really was never my thing

not that it was too difficult, but more that the environment wasn't. i never noticed how stressed out school made me until i graduated. i always thought that i felt normal, but now that i'm stress-free it's ridiculous to look back and see how weighed down i was!! the deadlines, grades, peer work, it all stressed me out far too much.

don't get me wrong, i LOVE learning, but the school setting was against the type of environment my personality needs. school was absolutely necessary and i'd never consider it a waste or something i wouldn't do again.....but i'm glad it's over and i can relax :)

2. i'm a very weird person

i always knew i was a little weird, been bullied enough for it, but i've really come to appreciate it recently. i can go from a Top Gear marathon to House Hunters and then end it all with Ghost Adventures...all while knitting. not many 21 yr old girls would do that.

but my weirdness is awesome. seriously, it is! my friends don't mind it and even join in some of it with me. they appreciate me for who i am and having people who are weird just like you is one of life's biggest blessings

3. i'm overly ambitious

recent example: i decided to learn lace knitting and then decided to throw on learning to bead while doing the lace. if you have seen this project you know i've already restarted it 5 times. why on earth did I decide to learn two difficult things at once??

I do that with everything..but it tends to work out just fine in the end. thankfully i have friends and family to reign me back in sometimes. although, going overboard and deciding to finish school a year early by cramming two years into one was one of my better ambitious moves...stressful...but an amazing decision.

4. i'm no longer a push-over

in high school and most of college i tried to be the 'bigger person' by ignoring things and trying to move on. that got me absolutely no where but making the problems worse. now I can look back and realize that keeping my mouth shut wasn't the best move when someone tells me to go kill myself because i'm a worthless whore....for literally no rational reason.

at this point, i don't mind speaking up and making my feelings and wishes known. when people come after me, I rise up to the challenge and face it instead of ignoring and hoping it goes away. because let's be honest, the people who bully others aren't deterred when people keep quiet, it encourages them because they know they can say anything they want and no one will tell them no.

yea, not doing that anymore. mess with me and i'll shut it down really fast.

5. my family is my life

that speaks for itself. and yes, my cats are included in my family..deal with it

the lotus

"the most beautiful lotus flowers bloom from the deepest mud"

the 2 year 'anniversary' (no better word) of my assault is quickly coming up, and it's caused me to reflect quite a bit on who i am and what i've become. and i'm happy to say that i am comfortable with who i am now. i had to reinvent myself after that and for quite a while i hated that i had changed. and i wouldn't say the change is for good or bad...it's just different.

a long time ago i remember reading the quote i have at the top of this post and have come to fully understand its meaning over the past few years. i think everyone has some experience in their lives that will define who they have been and who they will become. for me, this was it.

i've lost a lot of friends over the past few years, and i've lost even more respect for a lot of those friends. but i've strengthened others and have gained the friendship of the amazing girls at knitting club. to be honest, i've always struggled to connect to other girls my age, but i haven't had that issue with them. their maturity and genuine care for each other has been such a healing part of my life. they listen to my stupid stories, join me in feeling offended by people, and when i had a weak moment and walked out before i started crying they followed and made sure i was ok and hugged me. no one has ever done that for me, and i can't say it enough how grateful i am for you guys!

as for those i've lost respect for, i'm sorry that it happened. i know that it's tough to know what to say to someone when they've been through something like sexual assault, but saying nothing is worse than saying the wrong thing. and on the topic of that, i've had my eyes opened to the serious problems in our society surrounding rape. it isn't something that's talked about. which is interesting, considering the things that our culture will talk about. if someones family member dies, we all know what to do and say. if someone is diagnosed with cancer, everyone flocks to their aid and offers concern. if someone is raped, they're ignored and hopefully they just go away and never bring it up again.

why do we ignore it? i, for one, have an opinion on that. and yes, it is a strong one. in my opinion, rape is worse than murder. if someone is killed...they're dead. they don't recover from that. they're gone. violation aside, if someone is raped...every reality that they had about other people and about themselves suddenly disappears. they essentially, are killed, but they have to continue to live. from my view point, i died that night. very little of who i was survived that. and rebuilding who you are is one of the most difficult things a person can go through. it violates nature to be separated from yourself like that. and that is why it isn't discussed. it's such a grotesque thing that we refuse to acknowledge it unless you are forced to by proximity.

that refusal to acknowledge perpetuates the thing itself. by not talking about it, people don't understand it. they don't know what to tell victims and instead choose silence. that reconfirms that this is something that should be dealt with alone and not shared with anyone. it makes it even more humiliating for the victims. and then they don't come forward, which allows their attackers to go and violate more people. i think sexual assault education should be a part of every single school curriculum. if 8th graders can read graphic depictions of the Holocaust, then i think high schoolers can learn what to do in the event that they are attacked and should be taught ways to help a friend who has been assaulted.

on a similar subject, rape jokes are not funny. in any context. ever. that doesn't need an explanation, i think i've made my point by now.

i can't make this post be happy and light. it isn't a subject that lends itself to levity. but i CAN say that i'm comfortable talking about it now. i'm not embarrassed and i refuse to conform to the stigma that our society places on victims. i'm strong and i've survived. i would request a medal of some sort, but that might be going overboard a little. i'll settle for respect though, because that means more than any award or acknowledgement. i'm not some feminist, in fact i am a huge supporter of traditional female roles. i'm just a woman who has seen the side of our world that few understand and even fewer feel confident enough to discuss.

i'll end this post with a simple thought...

 just as a lotus flower, i've pushed through some deep mud, and i've come out strong and ready to bloom.

as always, comments and thoughts are welcome and appreciated:)

top 5 places i would like to visit before i die

1. japan

the picture above is from the kawachi fuji garden (about 4 hrs from tokyo) and is just one example of the beauty that is japan. i've always been a lover of asian cultures, mostly because i feel a connection with their views on life, and have been wanting to go there for a long time. there are plenty of countries in asia but i find a particular attraction to japan, mostly because i know more about it. i'll admit that i'm an anime fan (the normal kind...not hentai...and please don't google that), and i'm sure that has given me a lot of motivation to go there. my plans for my future japan trip include: 2-3 days in tokyo to shop/eat and 2-3 days in the countryside, preferably at a hot spring resort.

2. england

it comes as no shock to anyone that knows me that england is on this list. i've had a deep obsession with english history for years and getting to walk in the footsteps of those monarchs would be a dream come true for me. in particular i plan to spend most of my time there touring the castles (especially windsor, pictured above) and visiting the resting places of queen elizabeth I, king henry VIII, and queen anne boleyn. also on the list will be the necessary trip to bath in somerset to visit the residence of jane austen!

3. canadian rockies

i. love. mountains. and i've done a lot of exploring of the rockies in the u.s. but haven't had the chance to see them in canada. i've been told that they are bigger and more pristine that here in america, and as soon as i get the chance i will be heading off with my camera and my hiking boots.

4. bali

looks relaxing, right? that's the entire point of the trip that i'll eventually take to bali. to just spend time relaxing and enjoying a gorgeous tropical island away from it all. the scenery on the island is breathtaking, and the views on the coasts are even more so. spending a week on the beach or in the pool sounds absolutely perfect to me

5. costa rica

who wouldn't want to spend time exploring beautiful jungles in one of the safest countries of latin america?? costa rica's economy is almost entirely driven by tourism, and they have strict laws that protect their jungles. this makes for a very safe environment for tourists, as they want to keep it a safe and protected place for people to visit. it's tropical, has jungles, beaches, what more could i want!?

i needed to share this with the world

LOOK AT HIS FACE!!!!!!

i can't stop giggling at how absolutely insanely adorable this cat is. and no, this isn't mine, but it looks like little raj!

ok. crazy cat lady mode off.

make-up storage

to be entirely honest, my make-up storage has stayed looking just as it did during my dorm days, and i've been looking for a way to make it more 'adult'. and i finally found it!! i'll share my steps with pictures and explain as i go!

i bought this jewelry box from target for around $30. it has perfect sized compartments, and the only

change i made was to tear out the ring/earring tubing in the bottom drawer

then i lined it with some feminine scrapbook paper that i had left over from a project a while back, and it was ready to go!

...he was begging for a picture and was put out that i was giving my attention to the strange white box, so he rolled around in protest until i took some pictures of him...

this was my previous storage system. a bit flimsy, not girly, and everything piled up on each other

**disclaimer: this new box makes it look like i have TONS more make-up than i do**

perfect!! plenty of storage on top for my lipglosses/nail polishes/things i use daily

here's the first drawer, i put my naked palette from urban decay and stored some bare essentials product that i haven't been using for a bit but want to hold onto

bottom drawer is for all my random eyeshadows

and here's a pretty picture of my pink nail polishes :)

i'm really pleased with the way it turned out!! such an easy way to dress up my storage and give my bathroom/make-up a much needed upgrade!!

hair care experiment #1

this is part one of my chronicles of using organic/homemade hair care products (more on experiment 1 later).

as many of you may know, i've developed an allergy to coconut. for those of you who didn't know, now you do! while it seems simple to avoid it, there is far more uses for that tree nut than for food ingredients. the use that has been causing me quite a bit of grief is hair care ingredients!!


i know, it seems weird, but next time you're showering or putting on a product check out the ingredients list. don't see 'coconut' listed? that's because the chemicals used in hair products are coconut derived, meaning that they don't have to list it as containing coconut, even though it does! the ingredients 'cocomide DEA', 'cocomide MEA', 'cocamidopropyl betaine', and 30+ more are ALL coconut products and are used in 99.9% of hair and beauty products. mostly due to their lathering properties. (for complete list visit this blog)

now, i don't get violently ill if i use/eat something with coconut in it. instead, i develop body covering hives, chills, nausea and a generally sick feeling. nothing horrible, but not very attractive when you go on a date and have giant red splotches all over your face, neck and entire body (yes this has happened). so, like anyone else i hit up Google and read every ingredient label at every store to try and find some coconut-free products.

and i couldn't.


i honestly did start crying a little in the Target shampoo aisle (may or may not have been hormones). i couldn't find one shampoo that didn't contain those products. women will understand how much of a crisis this was:) nevertheless, i continued to Google endlessly and found some homemade shampoo recipes that sounded...rather sketchy. instead i went to the local Lush store and bought myself a shampoo bar that was organic and contained NO coconut!!!

Lush's Ultimate Shine Bar

the only problem with the bar was that it stripped my hair of everything, and i mean everything! although because it worked i have been using it diligently for the last 6 months and avoided a crisis of not being able to get clean.

until i was fed up with dry, tangled and horribly unhealthy hair. while the bar cleans very well, it cleans too much to use consistently. so i went back to those at home recipes that i had earlier found, thinking maybe they would be a good alternative. and yes they are!!


Experiment 1: Baking Soda & Apple Cider Vinegar
- 1 tablespoon baking soda
- 2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar


Mix baking soda with a little bit of water until it forms a paste.  Work into hair roots and allow to set for one minute.  Massage into scalp & rinse thoroughly.


After baking soda has been rinsed, mix apple cider vinegar with approx. 8 oz of water and pour over ends of hair, avoiding roots.  Let sit for one-two minutes and rinse.


this is the most popular recipe i have seen out there, and more than just allergy stricken people are using it. a big trend has been to go 'no poo' to keep hair shiny and healthy, and this simple recipe was reported to be a great way to get your hair clean and shiny without chemicals and products.

i tried this last night and WOW!!! while pouring salad dressing over my hair was possibly the weirdest shower moment of my life, i can honestly say that it did a world of good! my hair is clean, shiny & not stripped of moisture.  blow dried straight in short time and held that style overnight!

while i don't intend to use this wash every night, it will be a great change up from the shampoo bar to allow my hair to get back some moisture and repair a bit from the harshness of the actual shampoo.

i highly recommend :)

2011; a year in review

i can’t believe i’m finally able to say this, but i am truly proud of this past year.

here are the highlights from my perspective (no particular order):

1. i'm graduating college a year early
it's taken a lot of work to get to this point. i've added an entire year of classes to another year, and while it's an insane amount of work at times, the end result will be very much worth it.  i'm going to apply for graduation in the next month or so, and begin job searching once that is approved!  i always wanted to go through college at an accelerated rate, and finding out that i could easily do it was such a relief. i'm ready to take on the 'real world'.

2. ryan and i
this won't be a long annoying post about how much i love my boyfriend (although yes i do), i don't need to bother everyone with that.  what i will share is how happy i am to be with someone who has loved me for who i am and treats me so well.  having ryan's support this year has helped more than i can say, just knowing that someone is cheering me on through the bad and the good is so comforting.  i can't wait to see what this next year will bring for us.

3. i've come a long way with recovery
2010 was absolute hell for me with my PTSD, and while the beginning of 2011 wasn't the greatest, in the past 6-7 months i've been coming along so quickly.  things aren't 100 percent yet, but the difference between how i am now and how i was is like night and day.  i'm sleeping now, i'm eating well, and overall my perspective on life has become more optimistic.  i know this will be something that will effect me throughout my life, but i can't complain about how things are now.  i'm so excited to continue to do well.

4. i joined the knitting club
and it's been amazing!  i've never been one to have many girl friends, and in general i have difficulties getting along with the immaturity you see in so many girls my age. but this group of girls is wonderful!  i look forward to our few hours every week and really enjoy getting to know everyone and sharing in many laughs together.  if i'm in Columbus after graduation, i hope they will still let me attend!!

5. i've been healthy
for the first 6 months of 2011 i was pretty ill.  i was constantly developing severe hives and felt horrible most of the time.  but once we found out and began avoiding the two foods that i had developed an allergy to, i felt better than i ever have!  without all the processed and carb laden foods in me i've had more energy than i did in the past and have just felt...better!  living a healthy lifestyle can do wonders for your body, i encourage everyone else to do the same.

i’m sure there is much more, but that is what comes to mind right now while i’m reflecting on the past year. there is plenty i wish could have gone better, and things i did not like, but this year has had no major problems. i wasn’t being abused, bullied, or hurt in anyway. and it has been wonderful to have the time to repair myself and be able to move forward with my life.

2012, bring it on :)