the lotus

"the most beautiful lotus flowers bloom from the deepest mud"

the 2 year 'anniversary' (no better word) of my assault is quickly coming up, and it's caused me to reflect quite a bit on who i am and what i've become. and i'm happy to say that i am comfortable with who i am now. i had to reinvent myself after that and for quite a while i hated that i had changed. and i wouldn't say the change is for good or bad...it's just different.

a long time ago i remember reading the quote i have at the top of this post and have come to fully understand its meaning over the past few years. i think everyone has some experience in their lives that will define who they have been and who they will become. for me, this was it.

i've lost a lot of friends over the past few years, and i've lost even more respect for a lot of those friends. but i've strengthened others and have gained the friendship of the amazing girls at knitting club. to be honest, i've always struggled to connect to other girls my age, but i haven't had that issue with them. their maturity and genuine care for each other has been such a healing part of my life. they listen to my stupid stories, join me in feeling offended by people, and when i had a weak moment and walked out before i started crying they followed and made sure i was ok and hugged me. no one has ever done that for me, and i can't say it enough how grateful i am for you guys!

as for those i've lost respect for, i'm sorry that it happened. i know that it's tough to know what to say to someone when they've been through something like sexual assault, but saying nothing is worse than saying the wrong thing. and on the topic of that, i've had my eyes opened to the serious problems in our society surrounding rape. it isn't something that's talked about. which is interesting, considering the things that our culture will talk about. if someones family member dies, we all know what to do and say. if someone is diagnosed with cancer, everyone flocks to their aid and offers concern. if someone is raped, they're ignored and hopefully they just go away and never bring it up again.

why do we ignore it? i, for one, have an opinion on that. and yes, it is a strong one. in my opinion, rape is worse than murder. if someone is killed...they're dead. they don't recover from that. they're gone. violation aside, if someone is raped...every reality that they had about other people and about themselves suddenly disappears. they essentially, are killed, but they have to continue to live. from my view point, i died that night. very little of who i was survived that. and rebuilding who you are is one of the most difficult things a person can go through. it violates nature to be separated from yourself like that. and that is why it isn't discussed. it's such a grotesque thing that we refuse to acknowledge it unless you are forced to by proximity.

that refusal to acknowledge perpetuates the thing itself. by not talking about it, people don't understand it. they don't know what to tell victims and instead choose silence. that reconfirms that this is something that should be dealt with alone and not shared with anyone. it makes it even more humiliating for the victims. and then they don't come forward, which allows their attackers to go and violate more people. i think sexual assault education should be a part of every single school curriculum. if 8th graders can read graphic depictions of the Holocaust, then i think high schoolers can learn what to do in the event that they are attacked and should be taught ways to help a friend who has been assaulted.

on a similar subject, rape jokes are not funny. in any context. ever. that doesn't need an explanation, i think i've made my point by now.

i can't make this post be happy and light. it isn't a subject that lends itself to levity. but i CAN say that i'm comfortable talking about it now. i'm not embarrassed and i refuse to conform to the stigma that our society places on victims. i'm strong and i've survived. i would request a medal of some sort, but that might be going overboard a little. i'll settle for respect though, because that means more than any award or acknowledgement. i'm not some feminist, in fact i am a huge supporter of traditional female roles. i'm just a woman who has seen the side of our world that few understand and even fewer feel confident enough to discuss.

i'll end this post with a simple thought...

 just as a lotus flower, i've pushed through some deep mud, and i've come out strong and ready to bloom.

as always, comments and thoughts are welcome and appreciated:)