knitting update

i'm sorry i haven't updated on anything in quite sometime, autumn quarter has been incredibly busy for me. i'm working 20 hrs a week and taking 20 hrs of classes!! but here is a quick update on my knitting in the past few months...

this is the first selection to share, my vined hat! i made this in a brown/cream combination as well. they are both on the small side, so i will be selling them on my etsy shop (coming soon) as a youth size.

and here is a baby hat that i made a few days ago, i really liked the way it turned out, minus the rolled brim. that's how it was supposed to look, but personally i prefer ribbed edges so i'll probably make it again with some simple ribbing.

and there are PLENTY more projects that i'm working on, but they are Christmas gifts!! so they will be kept secret until after the holidays :) don't want to spoil anyones surprises!

after the holidays i have these gorgeous leg warmers to start on...

so excited to start those!! but i need to finish the other seemingly never ending projects first :/

breathe in. breathe out.

there are moments in everyone’s life that change them. often multiple moments, but some experiences change you far more than any others have or possibly could. for many people these moments consist of a birth, a death, an illness, or some other happy/sad event that deeply effects them. i’ve had several in the past, but one has caused me more pain, more sorrow, more madness than all of the others combined. and that was when i was forcibly raped by one of my close friends and his friend.

there is no good way to follow that sentence, it stands alone and needs very little explanation. i’ve debated how to relay this to those who love and care about me, to those who dislike me, and to those who don’t know me. it’s been months since i’ve begun to contrive of some sensible way to share, and until now i’ve been afraid to start.

to all but a few of you who are reading this, i’m sure that it came as a shock. or maybe it came as an explanation that suddenly fits my actions over the past year. this all happened mid-may last year, and i hid it from everyone except two people for a long time. my way of coping was to hide up in the dorm and never leave except for class, to never speak to anyone about much of anything. even when i moved home for summer i stayed inside and kept to my thoughts. for a year i hated to leave my apartment/house. it scared me every time i set foot outside. i ruined relationships with friends because i was so unwilling to reach out. i ignored people, i never spoke first, i behaved oddly. while that was all reasonable behavior for a rape survivor, i still feel guilty every day.

you will notice that i said ‘survivor’ and not ‘victim’. i no longer consider myself a victim. i have conquered those feelings that came with the experience, and i have accepted it. i did not report this, and i will not share the names so please do not ask, i will not be moved on that subject. i feel that the greatest punishment they could receive for their actions is to hold themselves accountable. i did nothing, it wasn’t my fault, and yet i went through hell with the after-effects. i cannot imagine the kind of torture they will endure knowing what they have done. be it now or later, it will haunt them for the rest of their lives. i feel like that is more than enough punishment for anyone, because the worst pain you can experience is often caused by yourself.

and it really was hell, or at least the closest i can relate it to. no fire, no brimstone, but the demons were there and they were real. for me, the emotional pain was nearly overpowering. when it happened i was unable to move for hours because my mind was in such a scattered and panicked state. and without the help of my friends and family i could not have made it through the ordeal. for months i was unable to care for myself, let alone care for others, and yet they found it in themselves to help me. my mother cleaned my apartment for me, my parents forced me to eat and interact. my friends stayed over when i was having panic attacks, cried with me, and got me help when i was beyond the point of rational thought.

i managed through the year by the skin of my teeth. i got high grades, held down a job, made new friends, and slowly regained my sanity. although some things still trigger me into a panic attack, i have people i can run to who will hold me until it passes. i’d like to say that it was God that got me through the tough times, but i’d be lying. once you’ve been laying on your back while two men hold you down and take over your body and you pray to God that it will stop, that it will get better..and you receive no answer, you WILL grapple with God. i still believe, i still love God, i just don’t understand or agree with the way he chose to put me through this. i’m still working on it, and do no enjoy being preached to.

it’s been a little over a year now, i’m feeling much better and for the first time i am in control of my life. i enjoy things now, i can reach out to friends and not feel ashamed or awkward. i have a supportive and loving family and a boyfriend who has been the most patient and understanding man i’ve ever met. i’m optimistic, and it’s a pleasant and welcome feeling.

life isn’t fair and often times it sucks. we all know that. but it never throws us anything we cannot overcome. there were far more moments than i can count when i nearly gave up, and it was by the love of those who care for me that i survived, and i will forever be grateful for their love and support.

if you have comments or questions, i will answer them. this is no longer something that controls me, and i feel comfortable speaking openly about it. i am not ashamed.

knitting update

the blanket is coming along quite well, up to a bit over 12inches, but i needed something to work on when i get bored of knitting. which happens surprisingly:) so i decided to take up a different project that i can work on, needlepoint.

here is what it will look like when i finish..hopefully..

 

 and this was my progress as of a few nights ago, the green is what i have finished

because the design is similar to the background it didn't look like anything when i took a picture, so i will post more pictures when it's possible to see the design. this will take quite some time to finish, but it's a great break from knitting. will keep you updated!

blanket time

this is another post about my continual knitting projects. after finishing my hat i dabbled in several patterns but couldn't find any that i liked, so i decided to tackle a major project...my first blanket! it's wool worked on size 10 circular needles and is 186 stitches across. each row takes around 10 minutes to complete and there are many many many rows to go to make this a full blanket

here are the results after about 8 hours...

and here we have it after a week of work...

needless to say this project is going to take quite a while, so i will be adding more pictures as i get to milestones. i'm hoping to have it completed by christmas:)

first hat

you read that right, i knitted my first hat! i followed the 'hermione cable and eyelet' pattern, and it worked perfectly, at least i think so

i had never worked with double pointed needles before, so it was a bit of a challenge to get the hang of at first. as were 110 stitches across! but i got it down and i am so pleased with the results, almost happy that it got cold again so that i can wear this some before summer. here a picture of the cables and eyelets...

 can't wait to do another hat!! and if anyone wants one just let me know, you'd just have to buy the yarn since that part is a bit of an expense

shopping haul!!

hello again dear readers, i’m finally making a new post! after not having any ideas on what to cover i finally found some inspiration from youtube, but this will not be a video blog, i’m camera shy when it comes to video taping ( never liked my voice recorded ) so this is purely writing. and pictures of course!

at the beginning of every school year my favorite part of getting ready has been supplies shopping, and now that i'm in college it's only gotten worse! now instead of only having one start of the year i have three quarters to get ready for. this spring i had used up all my spiral notebooks and my folder fell apart last quarter so it was time for school shopping, and also other shopping as well. i can never leave target with just what i came for:)

first off is my lovely folder and notebook paper. i went another step past just composition books and went for flat paper. being a lefty, it's impossible to write in notebooks because the binding is always in the way, so now there isn't that problem. and i liked the color bar at the top.

i also got myself a new planner, since i lost the other one i had. i love the pattern and it will be small enough to keep in my purse and not clutter it up, which is always a problem for me. unfortunately as i was excitedly about to write in assignment due dates i realized that the planner was july 2011-2012...so i can't use it. i'm heading back out after i post this to get one for this year, as well as stocking up on my purple bic pens!

i love target's $1 area!! i rarely get anything from there but am always looking for something cute and fun to grab for cheap. i spotted an alice in wonderland coloring book so now i'll have mandatory chill time to color and listen to music during the quarter.

another grab was a set of large foam rollers. i have recently been on a mission to curl my hair and with many many many failures ( curled for an hour last night, can't you tell haha ) i've decided to return to what i used to do. i had a set of small foam rollers when i was little and would sometimes put my hair up in them overnight and they ALWAYS worked, so i figure that these should work now. will most likely be posting a blog about how that goes:)

ah i love grocery hauls, especially when all of it plus some snacks and miscellaneous other needs only cost me $25! a good little splurge to start off spring..now if only the weather would cooperate!!

5 songs i’m embarrassed to have on my itunes

5. the glee christmas album

anyone who has this or has heard it knows how awesome it is. but it's still glee. and yes i have been more than guilty of singing along merrily while driving in the car. but it's glee.

4. we both reached for the gun – chicago
off ALL the songs i could have from that musical i picked this. i'm not sure either, but hey i know all the words. and it has 10 plays on itunes

3. harry potter & the half-dub remix – terabyte frenzy
don't get me wrong, i'm a closet dubstep junky, but i'm including this because it's harry. potter. dubstep. i feel like it's the greatest thing ever, but i know that it's also the saddest example of nerdy fangirl ever.

2. Bye Bye Bye – N*SYNC

i had no idea this was on my itunes until i started going through it. 12 plays. 12!!! i didn't even like them back in the day, so i'm not sure why i have this. but don't worry, it was deleted promptly upon one last listen.

1. colors of the heart – UVERworld
the entire song is in japanese. it's the theme song from an anime i watched a bit ago, and for some reason i decided to get it. in my defense, it's a really good song with awesome music and the guy has a nice voice, although i don't know what he's saying.

low fat, no salt, how about just healthy??

before i started this school year i had decided that i would not only devote myself to doing well in regards to my class work, but also to taking really good care of myself.  as with all goals i had a romanticized view of how things would be.  i would work out three times a week in the gym downstairs, cook lots of healthy meals, and just generally be an overachiever.  none of that ended up happening, aside from school work, and when fall quarter ended i felt quite disappointed in myself.  with it being a difficult time for me in general, i haven't worried too much about it.  i did that best i could, but now i feel like i should be able to achieve my goals...with some revisions.

a few weeks ago i managed to run two separate miles.  how i got through a mile run without having exercised...well, ever...is beyond me, but doing it twice really boosted my confidence.  i evn started cooking again! a few nights ago was steak with broccoli and i have a few other recipes stashed for when i have the time in the evenings to cook.  i felt so good making it and even better knowing that what i feed myself is good for me.  i wilted last year with the 'food' offered at campus dining.  there were many days when i would be sick after eating food that was ill prepared, extremely greasy and laden with preservatives, or not even cooked enough.  my body is quite pleased with the changed and is rewarding me with the energy to go run those miles!  i hope to keep up these changes and make them a lifelong habit!

as many of you may know i'm quite addicted to knitting. i've written about it in previous posts as well, and i finally have some of my work to show off! mostly i've just been practicing for a while, so i was pleased when my most recent project came out just like i planned it. i give you, a coffee cuff...

it's meant to make mugs look really pretty, but i added it to the travel mug my parents bought me for christmas, makes the steel look much more girly! i have a few other projects i'm working on that should turn out just as well, and i'm hopeful i can share them with you all soon. let me know what you think!!

i'm not entirely sure what i should write about. i haven't updated in a long time, not because i was having writers block or anything, mostly because this past fall as been completely insane for me. there were a lot of things that i have put off for a very long time that i needed to work through and deal with. i almost didn't make it out with my sanity, but thanks to the amazing support of my family and best friend i'm back on my feet and starting to learn how to walk again.

i've learned so much about myself through all of this (i'm not going to come out and share what it was; email, text, or anything if you'd like to know). the biggest lesson was that i have to trust that things will be ok. i've always struggled with that, but i really had to take the leap of faith and just let myself be while my mind healed and reset the habits that it had formed. i hope to keep that lesson in the back of my mind so that i won't ever forget to be calm and let things flow as they may, because you can only control what you can control. all else is just water under the bridge.

hopefully i'll start blogging again, so keep checking for updates!