breathe in. breathe out.

there are moments in everyone’s life that change them. often multiple moments, but some experiences change you far more than any others have or possibly could. for many people these moments consist of a birth, a death, an illness, or some other happy/sad event that deeply effects them. i’ve had several in the past, but one has caused me more pain, more sorrow, more madness than all of the others combined. and that was when i was forcibly raped by one of my close friends and his friend.

there is no good way to follow that sentence, it stands alone and needs very little explanation. i’ve debated how to relay this to those who love and care about me, to those who dislike me, and to those who don’t know me. it’s been months since i’ve begun to contrive of some sensible way to share, and until now i’ve been afraid to start.

to all but a few of you who are reading this, i’m sure that it came as a shock. or maybe it came as an explanation that suddenly fits my actions over the past year. this all happened mid-may last year, and i hid it from everyone except two people for a long time. my way of coping was to hide up in the dorm and never leave except for class, to never speak to anyone about much of anything. even when i moved home for summer i stayed inside and kept to my thoughts. for a year i hated to leave my apartment/house. it scared me every time i set foot outside. i ruined relationships with friends because i was so unwilling to reach out. i ignored people, i never spoke first, i behaved oddly. while that was all reasonable behavior for a rape survivor, i still feel guilty every day.

you will notice that i said ‘survivor’ and not ‘victim’. i no longer consider myself a victim. i have conquered those feelings that came with the experience, and i have accepted it. i did not report this, and i will not share the names so please do not ask, i will not be moved on that subject. i feel that the greatest punishment they could receive for their actions is to hold themselves accountable. i did nothing, it wasn’t my fault, and yet i went through hell with the after-effects. i cannot imagine the kind of torture they will endure knowing what they have done. be it now or later, it will haunt them for the rest of their lives. i feel like that is more than enough punishment for anyone, because the worst pain you can experience is often caused by yourself.

and it really was hell, or at least the closest i can relate it to. no fire, no brimstone, but the demons were there and they were real. for me, the emotional pain was nearly overpowering. when it happened i was unable to move for hours because my mind was in such a scattered and panicked state. and without the help of my friends and family i could not have made it through the ordeal. for months i was unable to care for myself, let alone care for others, and yet they found it in themselves to help me. my mother cleaned my apartment for me, my parents forced me to eat and interact. my friends stayed over when i was having panic attacks, cried with me, and got me help when i was beyond the point of rational thought.

i managed through the year by the skin of my teeth. i got high grades, held down a job, made new friends, and slowly regained my sanity. although some things still trigger me into a panic attack, i have people i can run to who will hold me until it passes. i’d like to say that it was God that got me through the tough times, but i’d be lying. once you’ve been laying on your back while two men hold you down and take over your body and you pray to God that it will stop, that it will get better..and you receive no answer, you WILL grapple with God. i still believe, i still love God, i just don’t understand or agree with the way he chose to put me through this. i’m still working on it, and do no enjoy being preached to.

it’s been a little over a year now, i’m feeling much better and for the first time i am in control of my life. i enjoy things now, i can reach out to friends and not feel ashamed or awkward. i have a supportive and loving family and a boyfriend who has been the most patient and understanding man i’ve ever met. i’m optimistic, and it’s a pleasant and welcome feeling.

life isn’t fair and often times it sucks. we all know that. but it never throws us anything we cannot overcome. there were far more moments than i can count when i nearly gave up, and it was by the love of those who care for me that i survived, and i will forever be grateful for their love and support.

if you have comments or questions, i will answer them. this is no longer something that controls me, and i feel comfortable speaking openly about it. i am not ashamed.