I feel the need to get some thoughts off my chest. Nothing earth shattering, but having a place to vent where maybe a few people will read it..or won't..always feels good. Public statements feel good to me. I'll number my topics, for my own organization, not because I'm making an actual list.
1. I'm a much better person than I give myself credit for
Seriously, I am. And yes, it's a somewhat selfish statement, but you know what, I think a little bit of selfishness and pride is ok. Having self-pride is what keeps us all from caving into depression and self loathing, and until recently I've struggled immensely with that.
Here's a list of things people have actually spoken to me and/or said about me:
- You should just go kill yourself.
- The world would be better if you died.
- You're only good for being a bitch to people.
- Your plane should have crashed on the way back from Japan.
- You should go back to Japan, no one here cares about you.
Isn't that a nice list. And that's just what I can think off the top of my head. I've been hearing that, and similar, since around 6th grade, and was bullied in other ways since kindergarten. So I've come to this conclusion, I deserve to feel prideful for a little while. Now I'm not overly prideful by any means, I'm well aware of my short comings, but it's nice to like myself for a change. And it's only been recently that I've been having a flood of positive things said to me.
Here's a list of things people have said to me in the past few months:
- You're outgoing.
- You're one of the most understanding and considerate people I've ever met.
- You're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.
- You're wise beyond your years.
- Your self-awareness is inspiring.
- You are strong.
- I'm proud of you.
I never knew how much I craved kind words from others. Of course, my family has always told me positive things, but it means something a little different when people who have no vested interest in your mental well being tell you positive things like that. So yea, I've been feeling pretty awesome about myself lately, and I like it!
2. I don't know what to do with my life
This isn't a good or bad thing really. I'm just stuck in what I want to do, and I'm not pressuring myself too much to figure that out by tonight. My trip to Japan certainly validated my desire to move there and teach for a year or two, but that won't happen for a little while longer due to the long interview process. And at the same time, my dream of being married and happy isn't happening right away either, and I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. There are a LOT of things up in the air for me currently, and at times it's overwhelming, but I'm making sure to give myself room to think.
3. I taught myself hiragana!!
As a part of 'self-care' during my assault training I decided to learn hiragana, one of the Japanese writing systems. I'm not fast at it yet, but I've mastered all the strokes and am almost perfect at recognizing characters! To me that's an awesome accomplishment...just need to learn the language now. It's similar to learning the alphabet but having no idea what words are or what they mean. Still, it's a start!!
4. I completed sexual assault training
It took 40 hrs of tough learning, but I completed training. However, I decided to drop out of advocacy during the last day of training, so I am still unsure if that will impact my ability to be a prevention educator. The volunteer position would have involved being an advocate for survivors of sexual assault in the hospital emergency departments, and as I found during our in-class role play, I am not ready for that.
I've come a long way in my own healing, and just being driven to try and do that type of work shows how ready I felt. But, it isn't for me right now. It was an exhausting and draining week. I redefined many experiences in my life that I had never classified as certain things. That combined with how triggering things are led me to choose to withdraw from advocacy.
Fortunately the directors and other volunteers were incredibly supportive of that decision. They all knew how difficult this job can be for anyone, let alone someone who has been through such experiences. I learned a lot..many things I didn't really imagine..and I feel that I can better help friends who have come to me privately about their own pasts and experiences. Being on the front lines just isn't for me yet.
And as for the information that we learned...let me just say this. Ignorance truly is bliss.
5. I'm addicted to Supernatural
and I'm ok with that. It's perfect. The. End.
6. I haven't been to knitting club in over a month
I chose to go to a church-wide Bible study on those nights and I'm torn as to how I feel about it. The Bible study was great, but at the same time I'm really feeling the effects of being removed from everyone. It would have been nice to have both, but I guess it's situations like this when you have to pick what's the absolute most important to you...and as important as those girls are, I know that learning more about God and how to be a follower is more important to me. Good news is the study is over, so this week it's club time!!!
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