hello welcome to movie phone!!!

I have often said that my life is like a Seinfeld episode.  For those who don't like the show or haven't seen much of it, the joke is probably lost on you.  Suffice it to say that the situations I often find myself in are...interesting...to say the least.  And they aren't spectacular situations, often very mundane, but the things happening in them are so extraordinary as to be scripted.

I've recently been struggling with choosing what to do with my life.  I'm 22 years old, have yet to find a full time real world job that I enjoy, am single, and live with my parents.  I built my life around one idea, which then fell apart, and now I've found myself sitting and wondering what I am supposed to do.  The big plan to move and start over fell apart but made me want to go back and try again.  And as often as people say 'trust in God, he'll put you where you should be', I honestly see nothing in the way of divine intervention.  Or even a road sign here or there!!

So to tie this thought in with my Seinfeld life, I present to you the scene that explains my current predicament perfectly.  It's short, so please watch

Emma translation: "Why don't you just TELL me what you'd like me to do??!!"

If I could pray one thing it would be that.  I'm trying to figure out what the purpose for my life is, and the other end is giving me messages that conflict and essentially tell me nothing.  Should I go back to teaching in Japan?  What about my love for anthropology?  Would graduate school be a good idea?  What would I even study if I went back?  Should I just accept defeat and stay in a job where I'm dissatisfied in every single way?

I meet and see so many others in my generation who have goals and plans, and are making concrete movements toward achieving those.  People who can afford to move out of their parents house because they have an actual job that pays an actual salary.  People who are getting engaged and married left and right.  I try my hardest not to compare myself to others, but over time that nagging in my head of 'look how poorly you are doing and how great they're doing' pops up more and more frequently recently.

I guess I should look at the positives and all the things I'm thankful for.  This past year I've certainly grown more than I expected, I not only visited, but moved to, another country alone, I got off anxiety medication for good, I lost the weight from said medication, I finally started standing up for myself and placing myself first when appropriate...there's a TON that's gone well and will continue to go well...I guess I'm just experiencing my quarter-life crisis...and it's by no means pleasant.

2013 a year in review

I know these types of things are silly, but I'm a bit too scatterbrained this holiday season to come up with a clever idea for an end of the year post.  So I'll just fill in a 2013 survey type thing and hope for the best!

What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?

I traveled outside of the country AND moved out of the country.  My times in Japan have been the best parts of my life.  I learned an incredible amount and still feel a hunger for more knowledge.  I will definitely be going back, and wouldn't trade those experiences for anything.  Every day I am reminded of moments from over there, just last night the song I listened to on my way out of the apartment to work came on and I was transported back to Azamino.  Traveling is something I'm no longer afraid to do on my own, and I can't wait to see and do more in the coming years!!

What would you like to have in 2014 that you didn't have in 2013?

Stability.  This past year has been one of constant change, in all aspects of my life.  I've worked 6 different jobs, in 2 countries, made and lost friends, and essentially haven't settled into anything.  While I know plenty of people thrive on a constantly shifting environment, I am not one of them.  It's overwhelming to me, and I have handled it fine but would prefer to just have one job, one living location, and feel a bit settled.  Now that I'm back in the states I'm starting to feel like things are slowing back down, so hopefully this feeling stays for a while.

What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory?

My first night in Japan.  I can vividly recall every part of it, the food, the people, the buildings, the feelings.  I met so many wonderful people that night, a few of which I've stayed good friends with, and being surrounded by others just as excited as I was..the excitement was just contagious.  We were all eager to learn about each other and the country, share stories, figure out where we were all from.  It was a perfect beginning to the perfect trip, and I'll remember the welcome and smiles for the rest of my life.

One of the best parts was walking to the izakaya with everyone. I paired off with Rahul from England and we were discussing where we were from and he was ecstatic that I was from Ohio, because he watches Glee and that's all he knows about Ohio.  Listening to all the stories that Andrew had from living in Japan and never getting tired of them, we all constantly asked for more.  On the way back I talked to Tim who it turns out went to that school up North and we had a good time the rest of the trip poking fun at each others school, including singing the fight songs at each other.  It was just such a kind and welcoming group of people, and was exactly what I needed then in my life.

What were your biggest achievements and failures?

I would say that my biggest achievement was listening to myself.  I've always tried to be as genial and forgiving as I can, but this year I decided to just live for myself.  Of course I didn't take it to the extreme and become self-obsessed, but listening to my feelings and wants was a great change to make.  When I was no longer comfortable with anything happening in Japan, I left.  I didn't judge myself for seeming weak, I didn't worry about what other people would think about it, I just knew that I needed to leave so I did.  Even at other times, if people didn't like something about me or that I did, I didn't worry about it nearly as much as I used to.  I just accepted our difference in opinion and moved on.  For me that change was a big personal accomplishment.

Also I finally lost the weight I'd gained while on medication!  It's a silly achievement but it made me feel good :)

As far as failures go, I've had a really good year, haven't made any major mistakes that I'm aware of.  I guess if it was anything it would be focusing on the past.  I lived in the past quite a lot this year, I rehashed conversations from months and months before and had a difficult time putting some things to rest.  Recently I've gotten better about it, I've been planning a lot for the future and trying to ignore the past, but as we all know it can be difficult to do that.

Where did most of your money go?

AIRFARE.  I would travel so much more if it didn't cost an entire months salary just to go across the country, let alone to another country.

Did you fall in love in 2013?

I fell out of love, then in, then out.  Nothing too major, just the usual fluctuations for a single 22 year old. Though I will say, the one I fell in and out of love with this year certainly changed my perception of both myself and of what I expect out of men, in a good way.  And was probably the healthiest relationship I've had so far, even the ending didn't tear me apart and we're still friends..  Future boys, the bar has been set high!!

What was the best book you read?

THE WAY OF KINGS.  If you like fantasy/action then go read it.  Now.  It's more than I can put into words for this post.  The amount of intelligence and creativity required to write that book is staggering, I had to read online discussions from the author to fully grasp it.  The action, the morality conflicts, the surprises...just WOW!  If I ever go back to school for a masters in Anthropology I'm writing my thesis on the cultures of that book...it's overwhelmingly wonderful.

Any definite plans for 2014?

I will be traveling, though I'm not sure where yet.  It's between Japan, England, and Ireland.  Maybe I'll do them all!  Otherwise I don't see anything definite yet.  I'm still up in the air about jobs, if I'll stay in this line of work, if I'll stay in this city or state.  Lots of things I need to figure out for the future.  Maybe I'll get around to figuring it out one day...until then just gotta keep going!

Product Review: MyCalmBeat app

I've never done a review before, let alone a review for an app, but this one blew me away and is something that I think should be shared with more people.  I downloaded the MyCalmBeat app a few days ago after seeing it recommended on the My Brain Solutions (another great recommendation) mobile section.  The premise of the MyCalmBeat app is to actively monitor and alter your breathing in order to calm and center yourself.  And it's free..I like free!

The idea of changing your emotional and physical responses through breathing alone is something many are familiar with, and is commonly used in various types of sports, cognitive therapies, and other activities.  This app gives you a visual of lungs filling and emptying, along with a pitched note at the top and bottom of each breath, and allows you to adjust for how slow you would like to regulate your breathing to.  All you need to do is select how many breaths per minute you'd like to reach as your goal, select how many minutes you will do this for, and begin breathing with the audio cues while inhaling and exhaling along with the visual.  It's that easy!

The app also allows you to record your progression over time if you are working to train yourself, however personally I don't see the need for that.  It's about relaxing, not working towards an end goal.

I was introduced to the idea of using your breathing to change your body's total response during physical therapy following spinal surgery.  Part of the therapy was cognitively working on relaxing all of my muscles in an attempt to ease both pain and stress.  The therapist I worked with used a waist band that was connected to a small machine that did the same thing the MyCalmBeat app does, it had a lung visual and sound to cue your breathing.  Over the years I've continued to use this as an effective way to not only decrease pain, but to handle the anxiety symptoms of PTSD.  I found that just sitting back, closing my eyes, and focusing on deep steady slow breathing went a long way in lowing my heart rate, anxiety, and over all outlook.

Have you tried the app or one similar?  Have any questions?  Download the app and let me know how you like it in the comments!!

Hello Anxiety; Hello America

I am back in Ohio.

I've been home for about 4 days now.  I left Japan on Saturday and arrived the same day in the evening (yay time zones).  So far I have been resting and getting settled.  It was a very sudden departure, and I'm sure it deserves to have some explanation.

The two months that I spent in Japan were amazing.  I was loving work, everyone I met was kind and welcoming, I was making some great friends.  But I wasn't healthy and there was so much stress.  However, that in and of itself wasn't enough for me to leave.  I was determined to stay and kept trying to make plans to get healthier or to reduce the stressors I had.

To make a long story short, there was one instance that essentially was the final straw.  While out with friends from work we joined up with a random group of other foreigners for some karaoke and fun.  Things were going alright, but one guy in the group became very interested in me and refused to take any hints.  I laughed it off and tried to be nice but put my attention only on my friends I was with.  When I left to go to the bathroom he apparently followed me and waited.  He grabbed me and when I had no interest in whatever he was attempting to do he became very angry and violent.  I managed to get away, but to say the least I was shaken.  Anyone who knows me or has read my blog knows about my past history with assault, severe PTSD, and how deeply that affected me.  All of the hard work I had done crashed down, and I was left a mess of anxiety.  Alone.  In a foreign country.  I spent the next few days getting sick from random irrational fear, crying, and generally falling apart.

In the past I have attempted to just shove down my feelings and push on through anxiety, but that always ends up doubling the issue in the end when I can't handle it anymore.  This time I chose to be completely honest with myself, my parents, and my closest friends about this.  The decision was made that I needed to leave and come home to recover, and we were fortunate enough that everything worked out perfectly for me to leave the next day.

I've begun to feel a bit more settled, being home is always the best comfort.  And I will truly miss Japan.  I was so disappointed that my time there came to such an abrupt and horrible end.  However, I need to look after my own well-being before anything else.  I don't regret leaving, and I doubt I ever will, it was a difficult choice that needed to be made.

Now all that's left is to decide what to do now...

Teaching Update..Again

Well it's been a very busy week for this job hunt, lots to report!

I am officially not going to begin work for Interac until March '14 if I continue with them.  I was really disappointed to not be chosen as an alternate, as I was fully prepared to leave in August.  They are my top pick to work for, however I am not sure if I am willing to wait so long.  I could always reapply with them again later though, so we'll see.

Also, MIL has chosen another candidate for their September position.  My current choice was to go with COCO Juku and stick it out for a year/leave early and then join Interac in March...or apply elsewhere.

With that in mind, I have applied to around 10 other positions in the past day! Have yet to hear back of course, but if I do then I could have plenty more interviews to discuss and hopefully leave for Japan soon!  Will keep updating as things change.

じゃね！